And there I was, sitting in the passenger seat of the car. I looked to my left and saw my father’s hand on the wheel, they looked unsteady. Was he really that old? He didn’t look like this yesterday or the day before. Sometimes he just stands in the middle of the room looking out at nothing. He has lost his appetite for food and for life. Growing up I never had the chance of developing a relationship with my father. He was caught up in the hustle of making money. He was a bittersweet hero who conquered the world, a business man who turned dust into diamonds. There were a lot of things to be thankful for, but there were very few reasons to be happy. He was always there lingering in and out of the door, and at some point I realized that his absence in my childhood created a large hole in my life. I always felt empty growing up, and it wasn't until recently that I realized that this emptiness was created by the lack of love in my home. I thought running away would help, maybe being more successful and driven would make this feeling go away, but that didn't work. In a lot of ways I feel sorry for my inner child. She didn't ask to be here, to feel like this. I wish I could protect her and tell her that everything is going to be okay, but okay isn't good enough. Even though I've accepted and forgiven the past, the pain still feels heavy. My father's age is catching up to him, I see it in his face and in his eyes. The most difficult part of all of this is having to sacrifice my pain to take care of him. It's having to love someone who not only hurt you, but also took away a huge part of who you could have been. At least I'm good at silencing myself and biting my tongue until it hurts, my greatest strength is my greatest weakness. If there is anything that I have learned from this experience it's that trauma reincarnates. It will keep coming back to you until you learn to look it in the eye. I don't know how many more times I'm going to have to look at the face of my pain to finally get over it. Maybe it's not about getting over it, maybe it's about healing it. Sometimes his voice is the salt to my wounds. How can I heal when the wound keeps opening? I suppose every phase in life is suppose to teach you something, but I'm tired of learning lessons. The taste of freedom feels far and my tongue is exhausted trying to find it.
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I was lingering through the library, trying to find something to read. I stumbled upon The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I picked up the book, hiked up the stairs, and scanned my library card at the front desk. I remember walking home eager to uncover this secret.
The Law of Attraction is a mysterious entity that danced with the universe. It is a practice that forces you to take a step back and rediscover the essence of desire. Many of us tend to “want” our desires without the intention of achieving them. We fall into the cycle of believing that our desires are impulses that have no chance of thriving in the real world. We keep our desires locked up in the state of unfulfillment. Something interesting that I have noticed with my generation,in particular, is that we tend to reward failure and fear. For example, I’ve had to take a lot of difficult tests throughout my academic career. I have never once heard someone say, “I am prepared and ready to take this test” or “I am excited to take this test”. Everyone usually says, “I didn’t study hard enough”, “I am scared of taking this test” or “I hope I even pass this test”. We tend to relate with negative patterns of thinking because it’s easier to fall within the realms of failure and fear. It is much more challenging to actually believe in yourself and in your capabilities. I remember there were times I would tell my peers that I was excited to take a test and they would look at me like I was crazy. An important part of the attraction process is being in the state of already achieving your desires. At its core, the Law of Attraction tells you to surrender your desires to the universe and to feel as if you have already accomplished them. Through this practice, you are attracting your desires closer to you by feeling as if they were already there. You emulate the emotions of success while also imagining what it would look like to succeed. This imagery is not only empowering, but it is also liberating. Through the Law of Attraction, you learn how to release your fears. Instead of fighting and struggling for your dreams, you set yourself free. You are taking back your power, realizing that your life is in your hands. Instead of waiting for things to happen, you make them happen. Succumbing to negative thoughts and patterns of behavior does not lead you closer to your dreams. If anything, that continuous state of stress and conflict only widens the distance between you and your dreams. Our beliefs greatly impact the way we live our lives, which in turn impacts the opportunities that we attract. You must feel your dreams to make them come true. Through the Law of Attraction, I have learned that I am in control of my life. I am both the creator and the creation. I have the power and privilege to be the greatest version of myself in this lifetime. Instead of saying “I want”, start saying“I will”. Everything begins and ends in the mind. Something inside of me changed. The darkness of my room was more appealing than the soft glow of sunrise. I huddled underneath my blanket crying. I was in pain and I didn’t know why. Every part of me was hurting. I was carrying my soul over my shoulders and my heart in the palm of my hand, everything felt heavy.
Whenever I’m like this I try to jump out of bed and make a list of things I’m grateful for: the warmth of the sun, the beautiful daffodils growing in my backyard, the sound of leaves rustling in the wind — but today was different. I couldn’t see beyond the pain I was feeling. I thought something was wrong with me. Maybe if I go out for a walk this pain will go away, burning pain is just like burning calories. Or maybe I should talk about it, mouthing the vowels of my pain so I could hear what it sounds like if it even sounds like anything at all. I was sitting in my room combing through my emotions, trying to understand what was inside of me even though I was feeling empty. I can’t be like this, not me. People like me don’t get sad, people like me don’t have the right to be sad. Get up. I can’t right now, it hurts. Why are you weak? Why are you like this? I don’t want to here right now, nothing matters. Get up. I tried pulling myself off the floor, but my heart gave out. It was in that moment I realized how deep of a hole I was in. I looked down and saw a never-ending abyss, it was empty, it was dark and it was cold. I tried labeling my sadness. Maybe it’s anxiety? You’ve had that before remember? But this isn’t like the panic attacks you’d have before class. This isn’t like the time where you would cry out of nowhere, or the time you realized a spoonful of magnesium was the only way you could fall asleep. Maybe it’s depression? How can you say that? You have no right to say that. You’re not depressed, you’re just sad and your sadness isn’t real because it changes. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I thought diagnosing myself would be a form of healing, but it wasn’t. Ever since high school, I had been in and out of rooms trying to understand my pain. I vividly remember being in the school psychologist’s office. “Jasmine, imagine a younger version of yourself sitting in the chair right next to you” I started to cry, and the only thing I could mutter out was, “I’m sorry.” I’ve realized that pain isn’t a singular experience. Labeling your pain doesn’t correlate with healing. Instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with me I should’ve accepted myself and my pain unconditionally. Pain is a part of the human experience, denying pain is foolish and unrealistic. I’ve had to learn to live with my pain, even if I don’t understand it. Even if I understood it, would it have gone away? I don’t think so. How come it’s so easy for us to fight with ourselves than it is to love ourselves? I’ve realized that pain can be addicting. We’ve felt so long to the point we don’t how to live without it. For most of my life I‘ve had to operate in pain as a mode for survival: expect the worst, especially when life is good. This way of thinking was toxic and it was draining. If there’s anything I can tell you about pain, it’s this: you are not your pain. Pain is outside of you, it isn’t inside of you. Your pain is a separate entity that lingers over you, and you have the power to push it away. We just have to be ready to let it go, we have to reach a state of mind where our pain no longer defines us. I’ll leave you with this: “Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.” — Angelina Jolie I vividly remember one day in fifth grade. Everyone in my class got into groups because they were assigned to do an in-class project. We were all supposed to choose what color paper we wanted to do our project on. I remember seeing a cascade of blues and greens flying all over the room, crayons and colored pencils smeared all over the tables. Oddly enough I chose a white sheet of paper. Why? Because everybody knows that you can paint every color on a white piece of paper. I planned on doing this extravagant and kaleidoscopic design, a design that would boggle everybody’s mind. However, my plans were ruined when my teacher questioned why I chose a white piece of paper instead of a blue or a green. She told me that I couldn’t use white because it was too plain. I tried to explain my elaborate design, but she didn’t get it, so she insisted that I change the paper for something more conventional. I was confused, I was upset. Why couldn’t she see that you could do so much more on a white piece of paper? I unhappily walked back to the table and pulled out a green piece of paper.
Everyone is told to give in to this invisible narrative. Never question this narrative, it was created for your safety so that you succeed in a world that we created for you. We defined success for you, we’re showing you what love should look like, and we expect you to follow it. The narrative I have created fills my pockets and empties yours. It restrains you from creativity and imagination. Close your eyes and hold your breath until I tell you that you can breathe. Trust me. This sort of narrative doesn’t work for someone like me. When I was a kid I would constantly question everyone and everything. How could I believe something without understanding it? I couldn’t live like that. I needed to understand the system that everyone was trying to put me in. Here I was, this impressionable little kid being told what to wear, how to love, what to believe in and who to be. It was too much too soon. I’ve always been wary of expectations, especially the expectations of others. Human beings have a very herd-like mentality. Again, it’s easier to follow what everybody else is doing than to do something on your own. It was easier to do what everybody else was doing because at least you knew it was safe. Doing anything outside of the norm was too much of a risk. What would people think? Maybe the thing that separates us is our fear of loneliness. The reason human beings tend to follow one another is because at least when you’re following people you have someone there. Questioning everyone and everything requires you having to be comfortable in yourself and comfortable in being alone. In order to break the norm, you must be prepared to break it alone. There have been so many times in my life where I’ve had to do things alone to get them done. Waiting for others to make the first move was a waste of time that inhibited my growth as an individual. I couldn’t help but question why people valued the things that they did, and why they were willing to hurt themselves in the process of achieving something that they didn’t even want. It didn’t make any sense to me. Everyone and everything is hypocritical. People praise individuality when it benefits them. People tend to like people who are like them. Don’t believe me? Well, I’ve lived it. Being authentic has actually made me more lonely than anything. I’ve had to learn to understand my presence and to be comfortable with being alone. When I assimilated I actually had more friends. Why do we stuff the idea of fitting in down our throats? I also don’t understand this deep obsession with trying to compete with everybody else. It’s very counterproductive. My mother taught me at a very young age that the only person I’m ever going to compete with is me. I am my only competition. After realizing this, I stopped comparing myself to others. Other people’s success had nothing to do with me. Their success and happiness was not a threat to me. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. We are so obsessed with each other that we forget to be ourselves. That piece of paper taught me to never compromise my values for someone who couldn’t understand them in the first place. Stop trying to be like them and start trying to be like you. "You are the creator of your life and the creation of something greater."Creation Is the Essence of LifeYou are the creator of your life and the creation of something greater.
There is profound meaning in your existence. Waking up is a privilege. Telling someone you love them is a privilege. Breathing is a privilege. Every heartbeat is a chance to create meaning in your life. I remember at the tender age of five I asked my mom, “Why am I here?”. I had no idea why I was alive, why I was granted the right to exist. It felt strange to be alive, and I couldn’t wrap my head around my existence. Why was I here? Who brought me here? Where do I come from? You see, I believe that everything in this universe is interconnected. I believe that I am a part of the universe and that the universe is a part of me. All of us come from something greater than ourselves, something that we can’t understand. Instead of trying to understand this translucent entity, we might find the answers we need by looking into ourselves. If we are a part of the universe, does that mean that when we look at ourselves we are looking at the universe? We are the creation of the universe, but we are the creator of our lives. Everything exists within this cycle. I was created to create, and so were you. Everything began as a dream which then manifested into creation. The building that we live in began as dream. The bridge that we cross over to get to work began as a dream. The phone that we carry in our pocket began as a dream. Creation is the essence of existence and it is constantly happening. The world that we live in today would seem like a dream to those who existed before us. Creation is a very important life force that propels the universe forward and I believe that each one of us has the ability to create something bigger than ourselves. Life is so much more than what you see on the surface. Living on the surface is easy, but when you open your eyes and begin to see the intricacies of life that is when you are truly living. When you look at a plant, you see it continue to unwind itself out of the Earth — that is exactly how we are meant to be, constantly unwinding and evolving. Change is the only constant, and through creation we bring change. Even when you think you haven’t created anything I want you to realize that you have : you created yourself. You created the narrative of who you are and what you believe in. Every form of creation leaves an impact on this world, and if you can’t create cars or buildings, know that you can change yourself at any moment. Again, we are the creators of our lives but the creation of something greater. You are the creator and the creation. The universe is your canvas, pick up a brush and start painting. your existence in this world matters.
the universe created you with its bare hands. you existed before you were alive. before you opened your eyes, before you took your first breath, you were alive. your soul danced with the stars. can't you see? that you have been here for an eternity. when i look at you i see the universe. we all exist inside of this womb together. don't be fooled by the illusion that you are separated from me. we were created from the same fabric. you don't have to look up to understand why you are here. look at yourself and realize that you are your life's purpose. dear jasmine,
you are a breath of fresh air i know how much it hurts to let go but letting go will help you grow i see it in your eyes, the way you look at the flowers you have this lust for life a burning desire to roam the universe to run away from yourself because you are afraid that if you stay you will never be free you're a lost little girl whose trying to make sense of the world everything takes time patience is bittersweet and slow don't be afraid to take your time every step leads you closer to yourself jasmine, you live in a dream open your eyes and see that everything you ever wanted is right in front you before you run look over your shoulder to see that nobody is chasing you the only one running is you look ahead to see that there is nowhere to go the only one running is you sometimes i can't figure out where i'm supposed to be. it gets overwhelming trying to understand myself and what i want out of life. there are days where i can't recognize my own reflection. it feels like i'm at war against myself. anyone whose known me for a long time knows that i've always talked about running away from everyone and everything. i don't know, ever since i was a kid i've always wanted to run away from myself. end up in a place where nobody knows my name, in a place where i'm uncomfortable. and for some reason, that feels more natural than forcing myself to be someone i'm not. it feels more natural to be unknown, because i associate being unknown to being free. free from expectations. free from yourself. but then again, i am attaching myself to this idea. attachment causes unhappiness. i'm attached to the idea that i need to run away to be happy. that i need to empty everything on my plate to be happy. well, happiness isn't a thing. it's a feeling that i can create regardless of where i am or who i have become. sometimes it gets really hard to be with myself but something i have learned is: instead of running away from yourself, lean into your soul. everything in the universe heals from the inside out.
i am bound to this body, this voice and this face, but what if all of this isn't me? i was taught that the world was a cold place. everyone was out to get you, to use you or hurt you. i was holding the world on my shoulders. i grew up believing that i needed to fix everything because everyone around me was broken. i was insensitive for being whole, for wanting to be happy. i didn't deserve to be happy because everyone around me was sad. i wasn't strong enough to hold everyone together, so i began to break myself apart. everyone took a bite out of me. i didn't know what to do, so i clung onto anybody who told me that they loved me. i didn't know what love tasted like at home, so i looked for it outside. it was easier to run away then it was to come back home. as i say, just because you have a house doesn't mean you have a home. a home is made with love, but a house, anyone can buy a house, you can't buy a home. home is where the heart is, and for so long my heart wasn't inside of my house. i grew up feeling like a burden, i was useless, i couldn't make him happy. his happiness meant me being miserable. my house became my cage, and for a long time i felt so trapped because nothing that i did mattered. when a child grows up feeling unloved it scars them. it's affected the way i see myself. it's affected the way i see people. but this all in the past.
the little girl who went through this has grown up, she has evolved. it would be tragic to say that i am the same person. thinking about the past still hurts me, very deeply, but i'd be a fool to let it define me. pain isn't your enemy, pain is your best friend. looking at my pain allows me to heal. trauma doesn't heal in seconds. it's a restless that process that pulls at you every single day, even when you aren't looking. i was plagued with so much pain, with people telling me that i was over-sensitive for even feeling pain. but truth be told, pain never really does go away. the distance between you and your pain grows but the pain itself lingers. i think that if you ever feel pain, you should always remember that you're only human. you're doing the best that you can, and that's enough. you are enough, regardless of what you've been told or how you've been treated. the fact that you're even here, you're a miracle, a once in a lifetime. don't bite your tongue, don't clutch your fists, don't hurt yourself. you aren't your pain, your pain does not define you. your pain is your soil, it is where you will grow. my soul is pressed in between the pages of existence.
i am lucky to be alive. out of all creatures out of all entities, i was brought into this world through nonexistence. the universe and i are made from the same cloth. stitched with intention, softened with illusion. there is a oneness that i share with the universe. everything around me is a reflection of the divine. i yearn to touch the sky, to unwind my breath from my body and feel free. untangle each knot in my soul until i am free. we are all pieces of the universe, pieces of one another. |
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